Ananse in Parliament
Ananse: Obolo, but won’t you go and pound the fufu?
Opo Man: But how did you know its fufu pounding, Ananse?
Ananse: Ah, but you pound fufu (food in Ghana) every Sunday in that house.
Aboabo Champion: Ananse, don’t you see that Obolo is too quarrelsome, if tackle somebody and the refereeshowsyou card is this too annoyance?
Ananse: Leave him alone next time I will show him red card.
Aboabo Champion: Ananse, haven’t you heard about how Obolo stole his sister shoe to sell?
Old Soldier: Yes that one, what happened about that one?
Mr Quainoo: Oh but didn’t you hear? She caused his arrest. He had to languish behind bars for almost two hours before the matter was settled.
(Obolo has returned in new clothes. All others have also changed into new attire from their football jerseys except Opo Man who is still lying on one of the benches)
Ananse: HeiOpo, won’t you go and change?
Mr. Quainoo: He is even tired, he has to go and sleep.
Aboabo Champion: Where to sleep? His boss has left for church with the keys to their room.
Old’ Soldier: So you see oh that’s why I often dislike these youngsters comparing them selves to us. Mr. Quainoo, do you see? If you had a job, you would be squatting on somebody’s. You would have had your own room.
Mr. Quainoo: And some body like Obolo, upon all his mouth, he can’t give pin money. He keeps pounding fufu at home so he can get his meal, yet he thinks he is our equal.
Ananse: So you are blaming his for being unemployed?
Mr. Quainoo: Not exactly but you see he doesn’t make effort to find work… That’s what I…
Ananse: Yes I think I understand. He plays draught too much, maybe one of these Mr. Quainoo should find cause too seize the draught’s marbles on week days.
2nd Woman: (Approaching the base). You people will beat me today. Who told you that my husband has divorced me? (Shouting now) You sit here gossiping about people without going to work, hopeless people! Why don’t you find some decent job of your own and work for yourselves?
Mr. Quainoo: (Gets up to go) Ananse let’s get out of here before something happens. (Still leaving)
Ananse: Ho Mr. Quainoo, i don’t fear this woman.
2nd Woman: Ekuteanim ne wura (.
Ananse: Hei woman do you mean me?
2nd Woman: No Mr. Ananse.
Obolo: So who else do you mean, as me if you fool i will beat you o.
2nd Woman: Beat me! Beat me and let’s see.
Old Soldier: Look Obolo stop, leave her alone, let her talk, has she mentioned your name?
2nd Woman: (Pushing herself unto Obolo). Beat me now, I say beat me. Obolo the macho, i say beat me oo… o… hoo (clapping now)
Obolo: Hei woman as for me i will beat you o…
Opo Man: (Rushes in to restrain Obolo). Think, don’t let emotion get the better part…
Obolo: (Slapping the woman hard) Getout! Who do you think you are?
Old Soldier: Adiensee pinyin anim. (Leaving quietly with his hands at his back)
2nd Woman: (Falling and shouting). Help. Help! He is killing me oh. The bastard is strangling me. (She gets up, recovers her fallen cloth and runs away from the scene, still shouting). We shall see. We shall see, just wait and see.
Opo Man: Obolo, l told you to stop, this woman is a witch, she will because you trouble from this. You have to learn to control your temper.
Obolo: What can she do? Does she think l am going to run away? Let her call whoever she will.
(It is afternoon. Mr. Quainoo is playing draught with Opo Man. Standing by and watching is Kweku Ananse. At another end of the base sit Aboabo Champion eating an orange. Conspicuously missing is Obolo)
Opo Man: Yes this is the captain, if l cut him I will surely win this game.
Mr. Quainoo: And who is going to give that to you?
Opo Man: You course!
Ananse: So is the macho man still in police cells?
I seen him here since then?
Mr. Quainoo: Hmm. I can’t tell.
Aboabo Champion: Ho, they settled it out of court amicably.
Opo Man: Amicably you say? Obolo was made to pay her fifty Ghana cedes plus and apology.
Mr. Quainoo: It serves him right, why should he be so temperamental?
Aboabo Champion: That wasn’t all he had to part with another 30 Ghana cedes for the police to cancel the case, you know your black uniforms.
Mr. Quainoo: They call it fine case.
Ananse: So where is he now?
Aboabo: I met him on my way here, he said he was going to Mr. Appiah’s house.
Ananse: The third floor storey?
Aboabo: Of course yes.
Ananse: Is that not the house Obolo said was haunted so he will never work in?
Old’ Soldier: Oh Ananse, I tell you some of these youngster never work unless they are in dye need. General, if they haven’t impregnated some girl, they find every work either too low class or too laborious.
Ananse: Oh yes, Old’ Soldier you’re right look at the explanation he had given that the house was haunted, pure superstition.
Opo Man: Same superstition why AkuShika doesn’t work.
Aboabo Champion: Who is AkuShika?
Ananse: You, you don’t stay here but every name mentioned you want to know him.
Aboabo Champion: Oh Chairman, but what is wrong about that?
Ananse: Nothing. Only that it palls confabulation. Alright AkuShika is he sot with plenty of hair who often passes here with a bible in hand.
Aboabo Champion: Is I the one who often wears jeans and black coat?
Opo Man: Aha yes.
Aboabo Champion: Oh but I thought he was a pastor.
Old’ Soldier: Pastor for where? AkuShika be pastor? Like I be Pope.
Opo Man: Yes AkuShika, he says his mother is a witch who hates money so if he works to gets more money his mother will kill him.
Ananse: All this superstition retards progress.
Mr. Quainoo: Yea Ananse, well said. It was even rifer in our recent past when Christmas accidents were attributed to witches who allegedly stretched threads across roads to get vehicles tumbling over.
Ananse: Remember that issue never resolved until the proliferation of Driving Schools.
Mr. Quainoo: Yes, schools are great assets o.
Opo Man: (Plays a marble hard on the board). Yes Mr. School play my preko.
Mr. Quainoo: Ho but I’ll win you on this one.
Opo Man: If you win me on this one I will cut my dick away. (All laugh)
Obolo: Hey Adiza you seemed to have returned earlier than you said.
Ananse: But what if she returned earlier than this, is she your wife?
Adiza: Look there is something that drove me back.
Ananse: What on earth? Adiza you too you are so fond of exaggeration.
Adiza: (Standing up from behind her set of palm wine) Look Ananse, it’s true they killed one man already.
Mr. Quainoo: I guessed right. Civil war in the north again. As for…
Adiza: No not exactly. You know elephantiasis. The one which make people’s legs swollen.
Old Soldier: Oh yes, elephantiasis.
Ananse: Elephantiasis, not elephantiasis. You Old’ Soldier why? Oh, you continue Adiza.
Adiza: Yes the people say it is the anger of the gods and a lot of people are getting infected.
Obolo: Anger of the gods? Ahaha…
Adiza: Because of this a lot of sheep were slaughtered but the plague did not stop. That was…
Opo Man: Oho master of exaggeration, Adiza! What trouble again?
Adiza: You see, some college people suddenly surfaced in the chief’s palace alleging that out predicament was the making of worms in the river from which we fetched water. They believed it had nothing to do with the gods of the land.
Ananse: So where is the trouble with that?
Adiza: Trouble with that? The soothsayers of the land advised the chief to have the man lynched.
Adiza: Oh yes, real lynching,
Mr. Quainoo: Oh, so did anybody die?
Adiza: By all miss (instead of by all means)
Obolo: How many?
Adiza: How can I know?
Opo Man & Obolo: Ah, but you said you were there.
Old Soldier: Give me some Adiza.
Adiza: (Serving Old’ Soldier) you see when the trouble started I ran away with my national service man.
Ananse: So you are so smart to have got one of the government men after all.
Adiza: Oh did I say… okay. You see actually it was my brother.
Ananse: Oh congratulations for having a national service gentleman. Now we are certain why you couldn’t count the dead.
Mr. Quainoo: So Adiza, what happened in the end?
Adiza: In the end? Did you say in the end?
Ananse: Of course.
Adiza: In the end I came back to Kumasi and to parliament.
Aboabo Champion: so some of you should have read that in the tabloids. (Stopping to sip a calabash palm wine) The plague continued until a whole regional minister disgraced himself…
Ananse; did he get a worm?
Aboabo Champion: No he joined in the slaughtering of cattle to pacify the gods.
Ananse & Aboabo Champion: Oho, a whole regional minister?
Obolo: Ho, but let me tell something. Some of our ministers aren’t properly educated.
Aboabo Champion: The plague worsened until the chief called back the government health authorities…
Ananse: So what about the gods? (All burst into laughter)
Ananse: The world is so funny it is all about a taxi driver who reported to the police that he had knocked down two strangers on the way. When the police questioned him which hospital he had taken them to, he replied, “Hospital? Why? I buried them”.
All: Buried them?
Ananse: Oh yes, that was his reply. So the police asked “how did you know they were dead?”
He said, “One was still and had stopped breathing”,
“And the other ” asked the inspector.
“Oh he said he was not dead but in Ghana, you know man doesn’t speak truth so I couldn’t believe that from a man so torn apart”.
“So I buried them both”.
(All started laughing just before Ananse finished)
Aboabo Champion: There is this one about a pastor who…
Obolo: Toli ooh toli.
2nd Woman: Mr. Quainoo, please let’s go.
Opo Man: Ei Mr Quainoo, your wife seems to be very ready this afternoon.
Old Soldier: This is what I call afternoon jump.
Mr. Quainoo: Oho (tapping Obolo’s pate) you people and youeadwen bonie. (He leaves quietly)
Ananse: But what else could she want, as if we don’t have our own.
Opo Man: Ei see! There come Mawuli’s brothers with clubs, OboloI think you must shy fast.
Obolo: How, shy for where. I’m not afraid, if she had done the right thing Iwouldn’t have beaten her. Only that I have to go continue the wiring I started on Mr. Appiah’s house.
Opo Man: I’ve always been interested in that job, let me see how you do it. (They leave quietly)
Old Soldier: I have a quaint that if I go check on Mr. Atoquay, this time round he won’t shy my request for the security job. (Also leaving)
Aboabo Champion: Ananse, let run these macho men seem formidable.
Ananse: If you’re so scared you can take to your heels, ah why? Not me! Err (scratching his hair a bit) err Aboabo one more thing if they meet no resistance they may destroy parliament. Aboabo… Aboabo, what do you say? (Exit Aboabo Champion in silence)
(Ananse is standing aloof a centre table in parliament as four strong men destroy the wooden benches around him. Adiza is also present and crying.)
Ananse: Mmarima Mma, break it down. Destroy the whole place quick. My patience is running out for these crooks. They sit here gossiping and gambling, destroy it quick.
1st Macho: Don’t worry Mr. Man, we will even burn it down after that.
Ananse: But you don’t make that mistake calling me Mr. Man. Actually I am the great Kweku Ananse. (All the machos stop to stare at him).
Ananse: Oh so you did not know? What i hate is men who gossip under a tree. I am apt to hate even their benches.
Adiza: Oh Ananse why?
Ananse: Why? You fool, will you shut you beak? Have you bought any benches here? Its fire wood, quiet. (Turning to the macho men). Now gentlemen of the realm, let me tell you some secrets about myself. After gossips and their benches what I hate most is misnomers. First of all this place they call parliament, I know such place.
2nd Macho: Too bad, misnomers can create very wrong impressions.
Ananse: Yes. That is why I want you elder to apologise for calling me Mr. Man, when I am honourable Kweku Ananse.
1st Macho: Yes the secrets of this place?
Ananse: Yes I’ll do, but please don’t tell anybody Idid. First of all you should not burn the broken pieces of wood from the benches, but break them into suchpiece that they can’t be reassembled. (To Adiza quietly) You won’t need an axe.
(The macho men continue to break the wood)
Ananse: (Calling the elder aside) do you have black magic?
1st Macho: Black magic for what?
Ananse: Oh you don’t know, the centre table has black magic, if you don’t break it now that you have broken the rest you will be paralyzed.
1st Macho: Oh Jesus Christ. (Hands on head)
Ananse: What about him? You see if you break it without the appropriate rites too, you will die. It is Kweku Ananta twenee. wobowu wo niawu. W’abomuawo se awu.
1st Macho: But I
Don’t have any time for rites. If we stay any longer, police may arrest us.
Ananse: Then I will do it for you. Do you have the money?
1st Macho: Oh yes, how much?
Ananse: Only 130 Ghana cedes
1st Macho: (Drawing a bundle from his pocket) Here you are, It’s hundred and fifty cedes.
3rd Macho: Oh Masa! But that is our pay.
1st Macho: Hei shut up, do I look like a fool? Look if you are ready to die I am not, idiot.
Ananse: (Walking backwards with the money). Adiza move away, you and your things. The rites should not be witnessed by any woman, make it quick! (Exit Adiza)
Ananse: Now, thank you very much for providing cash for new branches and draught board. Bye bye.
(The macho men stare into each other’s face stupefied face before making a parody of a chase) As they leave the scene. The benches they destroyed are shown rebuilt a new.
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